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Are he and his mom a pair of lovers, or a pair of sexual predators?

Family breakdown is not new to psychology. In the 20th century, two major theories of parenting emerged. Psychoanalytic psychologists were interested in why parents were emotionally unavailable or inaccessible, and distanced from their children. They focused on the attachment of the infant to the parent. In contrast, attachment theorists explored how children develop attachment bonds to their parents as adults. Both views were valuable, and the pendulum swung back and forth on the attachment-parenting axis over the years.

Nevertheless, the following two decades saw a second swing in the pendulum, which has defined contemporary psychoanalytic and attachment theories and their application to the parent-child relationship.[@R1] Once again, the pendulum has swung between the notion of a need for an omnipotent or perfect mother, or, alternatively, a well-mothered, well-treated father, who knows everything about their children, and gives them everything they need.

The pendulum has swung back again: the parent-child relationship is no longer viewed as a hierarchy or part of the attachment system. Instead, it is a transactional system in which parent and child work together to construct a relationship, with the parent regulating and guiding the child’s growth. If a parent is not responsive to the child, this relational system breaks down, and the child develops an insecure attachment, which affects all future relationships, for both child and parent.

Confronted with a parent who is not accessible, the child may regress to a state of dependency and try to get back into the parent’s orbit by clinging to them and refusing to go anywhere without them. On the other hand, the parent may be overwhelmed by a need to do everything for the child and become so tired and stressed out that they collapse, becoming unavailable.

This was the picture that greeted me when I moved to London in 1999. I thought of myself as an open person, ready to meet new people, but, as I looked around the many pubs and bars, I didn’t see any visible parents with their children. Everyone was on their own. On the tube, children cried for their parents. I couldn’t even offer them a tube ticket. Then, at a cafe, I overheard a group of mother-and-son couples talking to each other. They seemed a happy, close-knit group, like a family. But I couldn’t see them together.

I was at

 

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